The Great 2018 Hockey Scandal

NHL Defenseman accused of intentionally trying to be interesting/generous  

(February 2018) Today in New York, National Hockey League Commissioner Gary Bettman said that the League would be taking steps to restore its reputation in the wake of media reports that he termed “on par with the Great Black Sox Scandal and the 1919 World Series.”

“Not that this has anything to do with Black things or colored socks or actually any fancy clothing or sense of style,” Bettman added. “It’s just all very disturbing and threatening to the business of hockey.”

Without naming a specific player or incident, Bettman’s comments made it clear that the League governors were seized by the growing popularity of a particular defenseman whose off-ice actions included work that did not involve the exchange of money and in fact, sometimes, meant the deliberate transfer of funds to parties without the expectation of anything in return.  Talk of “good will” and the “joy of helping others” were among the allegations levelled by the player’s accusers.

 “These activities would in themselves be a cause for concern,” stuttered Bettman. “But they are coupled with a flamboyance and flagrant disregard for the League’s reputation as a dull, plodding and predictable money-centric institution.”

The player’s behavior also threatens to disrupt the paradigm of tribalism that requires fans to dislike players from opposing teams and to suspect others not like them.   In this respect, the accused evidently breached the NHL Code of Conduct which dictates the practices for media interviews and requires monotone, clich√© commentary, followed by exhaling and references to rivalries with other teams and the tough third period.

“We do not want to cause panic, but we fear this player’s behavior could spill over into civil society,” said Bettman. “Who knows where this could lead – greater healthcare, help for the homeless, cuts in subsidies for professional sports facilities, and taxation !!”

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