Severe Case of Monarch Sickness reported in Capital

(September 2018) Health Castoria officials have confirmed that a federal civil servant, Jonathon L. Swallow, was admitted to hospital today with Monarch Mania, the first case of the rare and dangerous affliction reported in the country this year.

Fire crews discovered Swallow, an employee in the Protocol Section of the Department of Colonialism, Global Girdling, and Heritage, this morning in the stairwell of his Lower Town rooming house.  He was clutching an iPad that displayed a news item on the most recently interesting Royal Highness.

The statement from Health Castoria suggests that the illness may be work-related and not a threat to the general population.

“While Monarch Sickness in its milder forms occurs frequently in all Commonwealth countries, the strain of mania attacking Mr. Swallow’s system is intense," said a spokesperson for Ottawa’s Royal-related Hospital. “He clearly takes his work too seriously, and it may time for permanent sick leave."

Common Monarch Sickness progresses into the more serious Monarch Mania or Hypermonarchis gravidarum with the onset of a gynecological interest in the Royals. 

"Dat man’s been acting strange every since de couple got married,” said Swallow’s landlady, Mme. Curieuse PropriĆ©taire. “He tinks he’s somehow responsible for dere baby-making."

Swallow had evidently show signs of the illness in the build up around another Royal couple's first born. Mme. PropriƩtaire told reporters she once found magnifying devices and enlarged photos of a royal torso in the bureaucrat's room.

“The only thing I noticed different about him was that stupid kilt,” said a neighbour who asked not to be identified. “I ask him about it, and he just mumbled something about needing to keep the crown jewels aerated.”

Hospital officials say while Swallow may be released with a week, he could relapse several times before the princess gives birth and may never return to work.